The Newborn Overwhelm - Read The Baby Not The Books
- Beth
- Mar 25
- 4 min read
With a brand new baby there are so many reasons you might be feeling overwhelmed. To begin with you are recovering from birth and adjusting physically and mentally to these huge changes as you move from pregnant through birth to postnatal.
Then on top of that, you might be feeling the pressure of caring for your newborn. I speak to so many parents-to-be and new parents who are worried about getting things right; keeping their baby safe and well but also already thinking about how to respond and care for their baby and how to help their development.
Where does this pressure come from?
Literally everywhere! There are good intentions but there is so much information. So many people in your circle with opinions and advice, so much social media, so many books, articles and apps. And so many conflicting opinions!
It is because we worry so much about the right way to do things that we turn to all these external sources to reassure us and help us in figuring it out. The downside is that what works for one family isn’t necessarily going to work for another. It might have been the winning way for your best friend or your sister but what happens when it doesn’t seem to be working for you?
We need to remember that not all babies are the same; they don’t all have the same sleep needs, the same frequency for feeds and the same desire for contact or not. It means that you can’t compare your baby to anyone else’s and it also means that the amazing tips might not be amazing.
If you are trying to follow advice from a book or friends and your baby doesn’t seem to fit, or you don’t feel totally comfortable with, it can be incredibly difficult. Not all parents are the same either! When you are trying so hard to do something and it just doesn’t seem to be working you can easily feel that it is you that is doing something wrong. If the book says this what to do and you can’t do it, it’s hard.
The chances are that the reason you are seeking out more information or advice is because you are struggling a bit (or a lot!) and when you then can’t make that work either you are likely going to end up feeling even worse.
Did you know there is evidence that the parenting books which suggest strict routines and schedules have a link to postnatal depression? The added pressure and anxiety that they can create an unhealthy situation.
It’s all great if your baby fits the routine but if they are a bit off on the timings you can have a load of stress trying to get them to fall asleep sooner or feed later or try to wake them up before they are ready. Add to it that you have probably read that this routine is the way to get your baby to sleep longer, develop quicker or some other promise that is preying on your vulnerability, and you are now anxious that you will be messing everything up for your baby.
Sometimes these routines can become isolating. If you are trying to do a schedule for feed and sleep it can be tricky to get out to meet up with others or attend classes.
For some families these schedules do really help and if they are working for you and your baby that is great, but there are lots of people who are finding all the advice, information and pressure overwhelming.
If that is you my advice is to follow your baby. Less clock watching and more baby watching. If they are showing hunger cues, it is feed time. Whether the last feed was 30 minutes or 2.5 hours ago. Rubbing eyes and showing tired signals; nap time.
One of the things second time parents say is how much easier they are finding it when they relax and ease off the pressure. They learnt that not following the guides or obsessing about getting it all right doesn’t mean you are messing up. They have come out the other side and know it is ok to go with the flow when you want to.
The difficulty is that in the early days you don’t know how to read your baby, it takes time and in the time, it is common to seek help and advice. But just focusing on your baby, at this stage they are really just sleeping, feeding and needing a nappy change, is the main thing. They are happiest in your arms, and any little cries are usually resolved with a cuddle or a feed. This is great for your confidence. It might not feel like it but you are strengthening your bond, and every time you respond and get it right you are learning a cue or a little more about your baby’s behaviours.
This fourth trimester is a time where you can cocoon yourself with your baby, recover from birth and bond with them. It’s a chance to get to know each other and start figuring it all out. And honestly, I have spoken to so many people who find that the 3 month mark is the time things start to fall into place. The fog lifts and it all becomes a little more predictable and you have settled into life together. In the meantime find the right support. The people who can walk with you, encourage you but not tell you that you need to change what you feel is right for you and your baby.
So if you are in the overwhelm, it will end, you will come out, you are doing amazingly and no, I’m afraid you won’t ever feel like you have totally go this sorted!! My eldest is 16 and there are constantly new stages to figure out how to parent but you’ll relax into it and start to enjoy the journey.
Beth x
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