It can be a bit tricky being the non-birthing partner in the postnatal period. Your partner is recovering from pregnancy and birth, may be trying to breastfeed and figure out this brand new little person. If she is spending lots of time feeding the baby, helping them sleep or holding them while they sleep it can be difficult to work out what your role is.
Lots of partners come home from hospital feeling really excited about this new life with baby but then don’t always know what the best thing for them to do is.
The starting point might be to think about what mum (or birthing person) needs to help her to do what she needs to. Learning to breastfeed takes up an awful lot of time and newborns spend most of the rest of their time asleep, often in her arms because they fell asleep feeding. This is completely normal behaviour and is what we would expect the baby to do. In some respects it is a real positive for mum – she might not feel so when she wants a free arm for something! – because it encourages her to rest and take time to connect with baby. There is sometimes an expectation that after birth we need to ‘bounce back’ to get back to life as normal as soon as possible when in reality there are big physical and mental changes happening which need time. Time spent in bed or on the sofa rather than cleaning and cooking is really important. There are lots of cultures that have postnatal traditions to allow that time and space with mum being nurtured and cared for with specific foods, drinks and maybe even massages.
One important support she needs is someone who can pick up everything else. Someone who can take the mental and physical load while she spends her time recovering, connecting and resting.
I recently spoke to a new mum who said she couldn’t have had such a positive breastfeeding experience without her husband. He made sure there was food in the house and brought her meals, snacks and drinks. She didn’t have to think about what they needed from the shops or what was for dinner and that meant that she could use her focus for feeding her baby and recovering from a caesarean. When you are that exhausted you might not have the capacity to menu plan!
In the early days and weeks you might have family and friends who want come and visit. Partners can be key here! You might need to protect the space a little bit, enforce any ‘rules’ you have and gently remind people when it’s time to leave.
(Rules might be things like washing hands, who can hold baby, how long visits last, asking people to text in advance, requesting if you need a pint of milk brought etc. Anything you want!)
With visitors also comes a feeling of needing to host and this is definitely something for a new mum to step back from. Even though it might feel that you have to get in the kitchen and make drinks and snacks it really is something to avoid. Partners can definitely step in here, or even ask visitors to do their own drinks. If they are people you are happy to welcome into your postnatal space they are people who can pop the kettle on for you.
When you have just had a baby you can feel a bit of a mess, physically and emotionally. Whatever sort of birth you there will be parts of your body that are sore, swollen and uncomfortable, maybe with stitches. Your tummy is likely to feel very odd and your breasts will soon be quite different to what you are used to. There are so many changes to go through for everything to settle a bit more towards a non-pregnant state. Extra fluid needs to go, hormones are changing and it just doesn’t feel like the body you know.
All the hormones changes bring an emotional rollercoaster with them. Highs and lows in the blink of an eye! Add to that the pressure and new mental load of caring for a baby you have quite the emotional combination of hormones, anxiety and exhaustion.
As the partner in this situation you aren’t totally free from all this – the mental load may well be there for you too as you figure out feeding cues, nappy changes, getting a baby to sleep, keeping them asleep, knowing when to wind, how to soothe and the million other things on this steep learning curve. But you are in a different place, you don’t have the physical recovery or the hormonal shift and you aren’t breastfeeding (or trying to).
Your role is one of huge reassurance, support and encouragement. The changes a new baby brings throws you into such a time of uncertainty and doubt and your partner needs to feel loved, supported and cared for. The practical stuff; the food and drinks, getting the laundry and shopping done all matter, but the words mean so much. Throughout pregnancy women are told they look beautiful, glowing, your bump is admired and you are congratulated. Once the baby is out society and social media tells us we need to bounce back. We need to look like we haven’t had a baby, as soon as possible. When you can barely remember to eat or find time to brush your hair the last thing you want to feel is that you probably need to do some exercise! What we really need to do is feel reassured that our bodies are awesome, that change takes time and it certainly isn’t something to worry about in the fourth trimester.
The fact you have made it this far suggests you are keen to help support your partner in the best way possible which is amazing. The last thing to say, to both of you, is communication. None of us are at our best when we are exhausted and feeling the pressure to get everything right. You will have different perspectives and ideas at times and different ways to do things. Add to that family and friends chipping in with advice and information and it’s easy to find yourselves disagreeing.
Keep the communication open and clear. No one is a mind reader and if you want something done, or done in a certain way make it clear. If you feel you are being given ‘orders’ remember you are a team and future problems may be avoided by figuring this all out now. You both might have to change your roles and responsibilities and that is fine as long as it all comes with some compassion and understanding that no one is trying to be difficult and ultimately you both just want the best for your new little family.
But most of all, when things are tough, find the moments of joy. They might only be glimmers but spot them and hold onto them. As times goes on it will be easier and those times of fun and laughter are coming.
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